I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
