I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
