look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
