My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
