Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
