I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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