Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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