Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize