I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
