If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
