she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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