so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
