so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
