I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
