dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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