bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
