Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
