nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i think my mom watched the whole time
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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