before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
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I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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