Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
