i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
