i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
