I like to think it a success when the cops are called
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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