ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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