I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
