we made out on top of his cat.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
