i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
