All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
