This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
