I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
