Moan for me like Helen Keller
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
