ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Randomize
