I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
