im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
