I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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