two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
