Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
