So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
