oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
