did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Where is the hickey?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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