WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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