mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
