What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!