based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite