We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
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no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
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My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall