i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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