Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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