worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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