I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize