Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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