if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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