This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
