You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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