I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
