Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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