Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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