I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
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the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
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For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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