Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
