i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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