piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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