no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
