the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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